SOME ISLAMIC DIRECTIVES

 ABOUT Parents

      MuhammadAli was in a reflective mood.  "Dad," he said, "I am so glad I am in this family.  I see so many troubled kids in school and grateful to the Almighty I am under Mom's and your guidance."

      "Thank you, MuhammadAli, for you are very good, a good Muslim example," answered his father who then continued.  "Let me tell you, each one of us had or is having an experience unique to himself.  It is unique in that each person has a specific lifestyle of his own since he lives within a family special to him and different from any other.  Because a family has its unique circumstances and lifestyle, each of us, has his specific and unique style.

      Yet, each of us shares the warmth and love that our parents give us, and all of us are fortunate to have parents who protect, provide, teach, and guide us.  Therefore, the family unit and its integrity in Islam holds special honors.  Let us once more refer to the Holy Quran.  Allah Almighty says:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الإنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ

أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ

And We Have Enjoined Upon Man To Be Good To His Parents.

          In Weakness Did His Mother Bear Him And In Two Years Is His Weaning.

          Show Gratitude To Me And To Your Parents.

(Surah  31:  Ayah  14)

…وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً وَذِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَقُولُواْ لِلنَّاسِ حُسْناً…

Be Kind To Your Parents And Kindred,

The Orphans, And Those In Need,

And Speak Kindly To Mankind.

(Surah   2:  Ayah  83)

قُلْ تَعَالَوْاْ أَتْلُ مَا حَرَّمَ رَبُّكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ أَلاَّ تُشْرِكُواْ بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا…

...Your Lord Has Made Binding On You:  ...That You Shall Show Kindness To Your

Parents... 

(Surah 6:  Ayah 151)

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا

إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

And You Be Kind To The Parents. 

When One Or Both Of Them Attain Old Age In Your Life,

Say Not To Them A Harsh Word Nor Scold Them, But Address Them In Terms Of Honor.

And Out Of Kindness Lower To Them The Wing Of Humility And Say, "My Lord! Bestow On Them Mercy Just As They Cherished Me In Childhood. 

(Surah  17:  Ayah  23-24)

      "Perhaps unknown to many," Abdul-Rahman carried on, "our parents spend much time and enormous energy in rearing us, I am sure you agree.  They worry about us, take time to teach us, pass on to us their experiences, and spend their money in our support.  They use their energy persistently to support us until we grow to be independent. Therefore, their effort is a huge debt we owe to them.

      This is the reason the Holy Quran is very specific in commanding us to be exceedingly good and very kind to them.  Out of love, respect, gratitude, and appreciation we must do our best to help, love, and support them.  This is more true in times when they need us, that is to say, when they are old, sick, or in financial need.

      Let us quote the Hadith now and see what Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

أَمُّكَ أَمُّكَ ثم أباك،   الجَنَّـةُ تَحتَ أقْدامِ الأُمَّهات

Your Mother, Your Mother And Then Your Father, Lo! Paradise Is By The Consent Of Mothers.

جاء رجلٌ إلى رسول الله (ص) فقال: يا رسول الله مَنْ بِحُسنِ المَحَبَّه؟

قال: أُمُّكَ   ثُمَّ أُمُّكَ   ثُمَّ أُمُّكَ   ثُمَّ أباكَ   ثُمَّ أدناكَ ثُمَّ أدناكَ

 A Man Asked: 'O' Messenger Of Allah, Who Is The Person Who Has The Greatest Claim

On Me With Regard To Good Company?'  The Prophet Replied: `Your Mother'.

The Man Then Asked, `Who Then?'

The Prophet Answered For The Second Time, `Your Mother'.

The Man Then Asked, `Who Then?'

The Prophet Answered For The Third Time `Your Mother'.

The Man Then Asked For The Fourth Time, `Who Then?' 

The Prophet Answered: `Your Father'.

Bukhari

Other Hadiths of the Prophet (pbuh) and/or sayings of the Imams are given here:

► Heaven Lies At The Feet (I.E. Mercy Or Satisfaction) Of Mothers. 

►  A Man Is Bound To Do Good To His Parents, Even Though They Had Previously Hurt Him. 

► He Who Wishes To Enter Paradise Through The Best Door, Must Please His Father And Mother. 

► A Person Owes It To His Parents:  Not To Call Them By Their Names, Or Walk Ahead Of Them, Nor Sit Ahead Of Them, Or Cause Someone To Curse Them.  (Imam Al-Kadhim quoting the Prophet (pbuh), Book Al-Usool from Al-Kaafi, Vol. 2, Page 159.) 

► Be Gracious To Your Mother, Be Gracious To Your Mother, Be Gracious To Your Mother;

► Be Gracious To Your Father, Be Gracious To Your Father, Be Gracious To Your Father.  (Imam Ja'far Al-Saadiq quoting the Prophet (pbuh), book of Al-Usool from Al-Kaafi, Vol. 2, Page 162.) 

► Honor Your Elders And Look After Your Folks, And A Good Way To Do That Is To Shield Them From Harm.  (Imam Ja'far Al-Saadiq, book of Al-Usool from Al-Kaafi, Vol. 2, Page 165) 

► Being Good To Parents Is An Obligation On Every Muslim Even If They Were Non-Muslim.  (Imam Al-Ridha.)

      "But what should we do to repay our parents, what are our moral obligations?" asked MuhammadAli.

      His father answered after a few seconds, "It all depends, since each of us has a specific and unique family different from any other.  Such matters as helping at home, studying well, and behaving nicely, are certainly appreciated by all parents.  Yet, as all of us grow older, their requirements change, and so will ours.  That is why we must meet their demands as they arise, whatever they may be.  We ought to obey our parents of course, yet we must retain for ourselves a degree of independence of thought.  We are to respect them and they will appreciate that for sure.  We must be kind and gentle, especially when they need us.

      To oppose our parents, argue with them, correct them in front of people, to condemn them, are bad points and of poor taste.  Islam prohibits us from that.

      Islam brings to us the point that we owe them very much.  No wonder Prophet Muhammad said that the gates of Heaven are at the feet of mothers, in other words, through their satisfaction.  This is just to show you the importance of pleasing our parents, especially mothers."

      "Essentially Islam recommends many points in regard to parents.  Right?"  MuhammadAli asked.

      Abdul-Rahman answered briefly:

Family and Relatives

      "If parents were so honored in Islam, how about family and relatives?" asked MuhammadAli while taking a walk with father.

      "Well," answered Abdul-Rahman, "The family is a basic unit and the basic component of society; if the society is to be wholesome, the families forming such a society will have to be wholesome.

      The components of families are you and your immediate relatives; that is to say, your parents, brothers, sisters, and people of your family tree.  In such a structure we grow to affect and influence each other and be affected or influenced by others.

      So, Islam directs us to build a strong family at a very high moral level.  Our obligations, therefore, start with 1) ourselves, 2) our parents, 3) our brothers and sisters, 4) aunts, uncles, cousins, and beyond.

      The Holy Quran directs us as follows:

…وَآتَى الْمَالَ عَلَى حُبِّهِ ذَوِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينَ وَابْنَ السَّبِيلِ

وَالسَّآئِلِينَ وَفِي الرِّقَابِ …

…To Give Of Your Funds Out Of Love For Him, To Your Kin, The Orphans, The Needy, The Wayfarer, Those Who Ask, And For The Ransom Of slaves.... 

(Surah   2:  Ayah  177)

الْمَالُ وَالْبَنُونَ زِينَةُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا وَالْبَاقِيَاتُ الصَّالِحَاتُ خَيْرٌ عِندَ رَبِّكَ ثَوَابًا وَخَيْرٌ أَمَلآ

Wealth And Offspring Are Allurements Of Life: But Good Deeds Are Best In The Sight Of Your Lord, As Rewards And As The Foundation Of Hope.

(Surah  18:  Ayah  46)

Let us mention some Hadiths too.  Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) says:

ما أكرَمَ شابٌ شَيخاً لِسِنِّه   إلاّ قََيَّضَ اللهُ له مَن يُكْرمُهُ عند سِنِّه

          The One Who Honors An Elderly Because Of His Age, Allah Will Send Him Someone Who Will Honor  Him When He Reaches Old Age.

Tirmidhi

ليس منا مَن لم يرحَم صغيرنا  ويَعْرِف شَرَفَ كَبِـيرنا

He Is Not Of Us Who Does Not Have Mercy On Our Young Ones, And Who Does Not Honor Our Old Ones. 

Tirmidhi

إنَّ لربِّكَ عليكَ حقَّاً،  و إنَّ لِنفْسِك عليكَ حقَّاً،  ولأهْلِكَ عليكَ حقَّاً،  فأعْطِ كُلَّ ذي حقٍّ حَقَّـه

          You Have Obligations To Allah, To Yourself, And Your Family.  Hence Give Each Obligation Its Worth.

 Bukhari

Other Hadiths of the Prophet (pbuh) and/or sayings of the Imams are given here:

► A Man's First Charity Should Be To His Own Family, If Poor. 

► The Duty Of A Younger To An Older Brother Is As That Of A Child To His Father. 

► The Best Of You Before Allah And His Creation Are The Ones Who Are Best In Their Own Families, And I Am The Best Of My Family. 

► Allah's Mercy Is With The One Who Nurtures His Child In Righteousness. 

► Be Polite With Your Children And Mend Your Own Manners. 

► Love Children And Be Compassionate With Them, And When You Promise Them Something, Always Fulfill It, Because They Consider You Their Benefactors. 

► If You Have A Child Behave With Him Like A Child. 

► The Good Deed Rewarded Promptly By Allah Is When You Keep Communicating With Relatives In Gracious Manner.  (Imam Al-Baaqir quoting the Prophet (pbuh), Book Al-Usool from Al-Kaafi, Vol. 2, Page 152.) 

► To Communicate With Those Who Shun You, And Be Generous To Those Who Do You No Favors,  And Forgive The Ones Who Harm You,  Lo If You Have Done So Allah Will Ennoble You.  (Imam Ja'far Al-Saadiq quoting the Prophet (pbuh), Book Al-Usool from Al-Kaafi, Vol. 2, Page 150.) 

► Mankind Is Like The Family Of Allah, And The Favored Of Them To Allah Are The Ones Who Benefit The Others The Most And Bring Cheer And Happiness To Their Family.  (Imam Ja'far Al-Saadiq quoting the Prophet (pbuh), book of Al-Usool from Al-Kaafi, Vol. 2, Page 164.) 

► To Kiss A Child Is Compassion; To Kiss A Woman Is Passion; To Kiss One's Parent Is Like Prayer And To Kiss A Brother Muslim Is A Demonstration Of Faith.  (Imam Ali.)

      Abdul-Rahman continued, "The closest people to you, MuhammadAli, after your parents, are your brothers and sisters, then your relatives.  They all command your care, love, respect, and understanding.

      A younger brother should respect his older brother just as he respects his father!  See how wonderful these directives are!  A brother is to help and support his brothers and sisters and vice versa.  The family members are to be a strong united unit, united in their Islamic ideals, united in their love of God, and united in supporting each other.

      Our relatives command just as much love, respect, and mutual help as any member in our family.  This will foster a feeling of closeness, a closeness that is very important.  Such members will help each other in times of need or otherwise, for the good of each involved."

"So what you are telling me is that Islam highly recommends certain points in this regard," MuhammadAli said.

Abdul-Rahman answered briefly:

ABOUT One's Spouse

      A number of days passed and MuhammadAli and his father couldn't get together.  They were very busy, unusually so.  Finally, having come from a neighbor's house, where the husband and wife were fighting like cats and dogs, MuhammadAli asked, "What does Islam say about wives?"

      Abdul-Rahman, his father, answered, "In a married life, a husband and wife live together for a very long time.  Sooner or later chances for misunderstanding take place.  This can lead to a disruption of family happiness and bad feelings.  Such feelings can harm the family bond, and may even lead to dissolution of the marriage, thus everyone stands to lose.

      Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) urges Muslims to be kind and gentle to their spouses.  He directs them to be appreciative of their qualities and the load of responsibilities they carry.  Muhammad (pbuh) implores Muslims to live harmoniously in married life, to avoid discord as much as possible.  Good relationship strengthens the bonds among members of the family and makes the family life much healthier.  Let us quote some Hadiths:

أكمَـلُ المُؤمنينَ إيمـناً أحسَنَهُم خُلُقاً،  وخِيَارُكُم خِيَارُكُم لِنِسائهم

The Finest Among The Faithful Is The One Whose Moral Character Is Best,

And The Best Among You Are The Ones Who Are Finest To Their Women.

Tirmidhi

خَيرُكُم  خَيرُكُم لنِسائه، وأنا خَيرُكُم لنِسائي

      The Finest Among You Are The Finest To Their Wives,

And I Am The Finest To Mine.

رفقـاً بالقَََوَاريْر...

Be Gentle, Be Gentle To The Tender Vases (Women).

(...والمرأةُ راعيَةُ على بيْتِ زوجِها   وهِيَ مَسْؤُله...)

And Women Are Responsible For Their Husband's House And Will Account For It.

(...وإنَّ لِزوجِكِ عليكِ حقَّاً...)

... And To Your Husband You Have Obligations And Responsibilities.

Other Hadiths of the Prophet (pbuh) and/or sayings of the Imams are given here:

Admonish Your Wives With Kindness. 

► A Muslim Must Not Dislike His Wife; And If He Becomes Displeased With One Bad Quality In Her, Then Let Him Be Pleased With Another Quality Which Is Good. 

► To Kiss A Child Is Compassion; To Kiss A Woman Is Passion; To Kiss One's Parent Is Like Prayer And To Kiss A Brother Muslim Is A Demonstration Of Faith.  (Imam Ali.) 

► A Virtuous Wife Is A Man's Best Treasure. 

► Give Your Wife Good Council, And If She Has Goodness In Her She Will Soon Take It,

► And Keep Away From Idle Talk And Don't Treat Your Noble Wife Like A Slave.

► Four Things Make Good Fortune: Good Children, Sincere Friends, An Obedient Wife And That One's Work Be At The Place One Resides.

      "Therefore, MuhammadAli, Muslims are encouraged toward a style of life full of devotion and love between husband and wife.  'A virtuous wife is a man's best treasure.'  How wonderful and how far reaching a Hadith this is!  A woman of virtue is and will be true to her husband, good to him, and of excellent company, be it in days of ease or days of difficulty.

      Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) requests us to treat our wives kindly, decently, and to listen to them and their points of view.  Muslims are to share with wives all the wonderful experiences of life.  Of course, a wife is to treat her husband in the same manner, it is a matter of give and take.

      Married life of give and take and reasonable harmony has a tremendous influence on the children, an influence that lets everyone reap very good results."

      "That is wonderful, Dad, but this is often not the case," said MuhammadAli.

      "You are right, MuhammadAli, but discord shows up every once in a while.  Husband and wife should stand in the face of difficulty and try solve their problems after good analysis.  Islam seeks the best for humanity, but human nature may fall short.  You must try your best and Insha' Allah be successful."

ABOUT MARRIAGE

      "There are a few other subjects I'd like to hear about.  How does Islam view marriage?"  MuhammadAli asked.

      Abdul-Rahman answered, with a smile on his face, "Islam encourages all Muslims toward marriage.  Marriage is recommended because it increases our awareness of responsibility and offers us an opportunity to share our experiences with our loved ones.  Marriage forms the unit needed to build a wholesome society.  It makes us care for our children properly and in the best way we can.

      Marriage is complex though, and it is a highly constructive undertaking.  Its success depends upon the understanding of the married couple and how well they live in harmony.  A wholesome married life is the best medium to raise children in, and the gracious relationship at home is the very basis for stability.  Let us now quote the Holy Quran:

هُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا لِيَسْكُنَ إِلَيْهَا…

It Is He Who Created You From A Single Soul,

And Made His Mate Of Like Nature, To Dwell With Her In Love And Understanding.  (Surah  7:  Ayah  189)

...وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيراً

...And Dwell Nicely With Her On A Footing Of Kindness And Equity. 

If You Take A Dislike To Her It May Be That You Dislike A Thing, And Allah Brings Through It A Great Deal Of Good

(Surah  4:  Ayah  18)

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاء بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُواْ مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللّهُ…

Men Are The Protectors And Maintainers Of  Women, Because Allah Has Given The One More Than What He Has Given The Other; And Because They Support Them From Their Means.

Therefore, The Righteous Women Are Devoutly Obedient And Guard Themselves In The Husband's Absence What Allah Would Have Them Guard.

(Surah  4:  Ayah  34)

"Let us quote some Hadiths too," said Abdul-Rahman, "Let us see what Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

►The World And Everything In It Are Valuable;  But The Most Valuable Thing In The World Is A Virtuous Woman. 

►Give Your Wife Good Counsel; And If She Has Goodness In Her, She Will Soon Take It,  And Keep Away From Idle Talk. 

►The Best Muslim Is The One Whose Disposition Is Most Liked By His Family. 

►The Quality Muslim Is The One Whose Disposition Is Best; And The Best Of You Are They Who Behave Well With Their Wives.

      As you can see, MuhammadAli, it is obvious we are encouraged to hold to the best attitude possible toward our families.  This is especially true when it comes to a man treating his wife, and vice versa.

      A loving, mutual relationship in the family will become the good medium to raise children in.  Living nicely together, on an equal footing, each knowing and doing his/her share of work will open the doors to happiness.  A happy family is the best medium not only to raise children in but also in which to enjoy life.

      The devotion of a husband to his wife and vice versa, mutual support, understanding, and mutual council are some of the important points to remember.

      Fights, discord, mistrust, disagreements, bad tempers, and the like are the seeds for unhappy relationships in which parents and children will suffer."

ABOUT Divorce

      MuhammadAli was thinking for a while.  He has known many friends whose parents have divorced each other and become remarried.  He was aware of the turmoil the children went through, and he wanted to see what Islam says if Muslims cannot live together.

      While going out for a walk MuhammadAli asked, "Dad, you told me about marriage and how great it is.  How about divorce in Islam?"

      His father answered, "MuhammadAli, unfortunately married life may fail at times, and the presumed loving relationship ends up by being nothing but fights and discord.  A time might come when the two sides decide that each has to go his or her own way, thereby agreeing on a divorce.

      Divorce is allowed in Islam, but it is a most detestable thing in the sight of the Almighty.  Allah says in the Holy Quran:

…وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُواْ حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ

وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا إِن يُرِيدَا إِصْلاَحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا…         

And If You Fear A Breach Between The Two (Husband And Wife), Then Appoint An Arbitrator From His People And An Arbitrator From Hers; If They Both Wish For Peace Then Allah Will Reconciliate Between Them. 

(Surah  4:  Ayah  34)

وَلِلْمُطَلَّقَاتِ مَتَاعٌ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ حَقًّا عَلَى الْمُتَّقِينَ

For Divorced Women There Should Be Maintenance Provided That Is

          Reasonable.  This Is A Duty On The Righteous.

(Surah  2:  Ayah  241)

Let us refer to some Hadiths and see what Muhammad (pbuh) said in this regard: 

 أبْغضُ الحلالِ إلى الله عَزَّ وجل   ألطَّلاقُ

With Allah (Glory Be To Him) The Most Detestable Of All Lawful Things Is Divorce.   Abu Dawood

      Even after the arbitrators, Muslims around and especially relatives are to try their best to help.  If that doesn't work then support and good counsel to the husband and wife and to their children should be given.  Some couples will discover that their marriage is not working.  For some reason or other, much unhappiness and discord mar their marriage.  They should try their best to improve their relationship, but alas, if they fail and agree things are not working, then in that case divorce will be sought and may be the solution.

      Divorce may be the better solution, though a detestable thing and the Almighty doesn't like.  Divorce leads to psychological suffering for everyone especially if children are involved.  Though it is a solution, it can leave permanent scars on everyone.

      Divorce is allowed in Islam but it is very repulsive. It is an unhappy solution for an unhappy situation."